Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
