you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
