my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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