im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I cannot find my penis.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
