then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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