New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We are all done wearing pants today
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
