Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
