i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Life is so much better after having sex.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
