i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
