I think I won the penis lottery.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
