If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
