He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
