Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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