My underwear smells like fireworks.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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