i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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