Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
