you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I supernannyed him into submission
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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