Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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