I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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