Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
