1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
