Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
