So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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