Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
