hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
