Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You are a genius and a whore.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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