Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
In America we eat man semen.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
