Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
