I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
