I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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