Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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