I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
How's work?
Spinning.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
