I wanna passion pit in your ass
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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