what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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