can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
