smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
