I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
