worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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