I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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