the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
