my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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