I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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