the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
