I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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