Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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