Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
