i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
