You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
