you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
