just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
