True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Why is your signature on my underwear?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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